Cold Hands

Random fact: I have permanently cold hands.

True story. I constantly have people who grab my hands and comment: “Your hands are so cold!” or “Why are you so cold?” or “Do you live in a freezer?”

(That being said, I don’t hold hands with everybody. And everybody doesn’t run up to me to grab my hands. That was a hypothetical statement compiling previous occurrences. Duh.)

I think I just have permanently low body temperature. I’m cold-blooded. (in more ways than one, haha.) That doesn’t actually mean I feel cold all the time, I just feel cold. In fact, I handle cold weather pretty well. But because I am physically cold to touch, other people get the wrong idea. Especially my mum. She enjoys frequently running onto the balcony with an outstretched coat yelling: “Wear a coat/jacket/jumper/something woolly/balaclava(?) etc!”

“But I’m not cold!” As in, I’m cold, but I’m not actually cold.

Interestingly, it’s mainly just my hands that are always cold. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, because I do everything with my hands. Because I have to draw and paint and write and type and play piano. Basically, I’m screwed without them.

I don’t know if you have a particular body part you need the most. (Let’s steer your thoughts away from the reproductive organs, children.) For example, if you were a singer, and you lost your voice. Perhaps you’re an eloquent person, someone who thinks out loud, a people-person, a great speaker and you couldn’t use your mouth anymore. I had a friend once who greatly overreacted when she injured her leg because she thought she wouldn’t be able to walk again and her sporting life was over.

Personally, I think if I lost my hands I would be upset for quite a while, but then I would go straight back to doing what I do regardless.

(Why yes, I do frequently consider what would happen if I randomly lost my limbs, because I’m weird like that.)

I think writing would be a bit more difficult because it’d be hard to write and rewrite and edit and express exactly the words I want. I’m pedantic when it comes to writing, and dictating what I want to someone else simply wouldn’t do. Besides, I will go over a single sentence or section hundreds of times, rearranging or changing one word out of many until I get exactly what I want. I don’t think there are many transcribers that will put up with me for that.

When it comes to art and drawing, it’d be like starting from scratch. But I know that if I lost my right hand, I’d use my left. If I lost both, then I’d use my feet or my mouth. My feet would need a lot of training though, have you ever tried gripping a pencil/pen with your toes?

Playing piano would probably be the hardest. But not impossible, have you heard Liu Wei? (He plays Mariage d’armour better than me and he has no hands!) He is absolutely amazing. His commitment and determination is so profound that it almost makes me cry.

I have dreams too, and I want to achieve them. I don’t think I’m someone who will, or can let go of these things, even if the biggest obstacles get in the way. I have a frustratingly relentless stubborn streak, and it will probably only get worse if by some off chance I had a run-in with a chainsaw.

I understand that I’m someone who constantly gets knocked down over and over again, and I know that this blog records a lot of my frustration and despair over my failings, but I’m also someone who plays piano even when my hands are frozen. It actually really hurts when your hands are so cold and your fingers are so numb you can hardly move them, but I push them to play music anyway.

(I also have a habit of sitting on my hands to keep them warm. It looks weird.)

Liu Wei says: “I have two options- I can die as fast as possible, or I can live a brilliant life. And I chose the latter.”

I don’t think that only relates to people with disabilities or disadvantages, I think it says something to everyone. For me personally, it means I won’t stop drawing or writing or playing music, no matter how cold my hands are, even if they drop off.